For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Funny stories , jokes, one liners or cartoons , place them in here and brighten up someones day .
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salem
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For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by salem »

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"
I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.

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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by salem »

The Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac, "Senorita, it looks to me like you've had Juan too many."

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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by Little John »

I'd take that joke book back if I was you. :D
Yes this is the real "Little John"

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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by noescape »

should I be worried that I found a few of them funny? :lol:

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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by Little John »

No. I'll grant you that a couple made me titter.
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by marymary »

The Pope decreed that all the Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Imam to represent them in the debate. However, as the Imam spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Arabic, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Imam sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Imam looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Imam pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Imam pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Imam was too clever. The Muslims could stay in Italy!!!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

'I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

'He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'

Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Imam how he'd won. 'I haven't a clue' the Imam said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

'Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here.'

'And then what?' asked a woman.

'Who knows?' said the Imam. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by Little John »

That's good, that is.
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by marymary »

I thought so. :D

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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by marymary »

It's a man's world
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars..
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by SRD »

marymary wrote:It's a man's world
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars..
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.



Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.


You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.


You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
Self-inflicted troubles
Children are like Slinkys - not much use for anything, but it always brings a smile to your face when you throw them down the stairs. Chinchilla

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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by digger »

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the
dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"
To display sig. banner ...key alt+F4

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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by SRD »

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? PAUL MERTON
Children are like Slinkys - not much use for anything, but it always brings a smile to your face when you throw them down the stairs. Chinchilla

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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by marymary »

Received this

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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by marymary »

and then the explanation

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noescape
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by noescape »

lmao I like that one and srd's one

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