For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Funny stories , jokes, one liners or cartoons , place them in here and brighten up someones day .
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digger
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by digger »

As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air.

She then folded her arms and huffed, "You never make the first move."

"Jesus!" I said as I rolled my eyes. "Every night it's the same thing."

"Well you don't!" she moaned. "It's always me and quite frankly I'm fed up with it. And before you start, it's nothing to do with you being black."

"It is," I said.

"No, it isn't," she said.
Spoiler:
"You know what?" I said as I jumped out of the bed. "You can stick the chessboard where the sun don't shine"
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by Little John »

Not bad :D
Yes this is the real "Little John" (or it could be "colin")
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by salem »

Specially for LJ after his recent adventures ;)
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by Little John »

Excellent! I wonder if it buzzes if you touch the sides?
Yes this is the real "Little John" (or it could be "colin")
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by salem »

mibbie aye mibbie naw :D

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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by Little John »

I know our anniversary date.
Yes this is the real "Little John" (or it could be "colin")
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by The Dreaded Phantom »

Try this one. When it was told to me, I suspected it was going to be dodgy but I think its ok:-

There are three expectant fathers waiting in the waiting room. An Englishman, A Welshman and an Indian. The doctor comes out to them and tells them he has good news and bad news. The good news is that all births went fine and all babies are healthy. The bad news is that they have mixed the babies up.

He suggests that they all go in and pick the baby they think is most likely theirs. The English man goes first and comes out with a brown baby. The Indian, clearly upset, asks what he is playing at as that baby was obviously his. The Englishman replies:-

"Look, there's a two to one chance I might pick a Welsh baby. I'm not taking that risk."

Aplogies to any Welsh visitors.
Spoiler:
But I thought it was funny even though - or possibly because - any racism in it is directed to the Welsh. Not that that is ok, but it is funny. In my view.
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by Little John »

It might be better for this forum if you substitute a Scotsman for the Welshman and have him pick the brown baby and say the punch line about the Englishman.

"so the Scotsman said, ' Look, there's a 2-1 chance it might be English, I'm not taking the risk"
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by salem »

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years.
His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she stood him up.
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by salem »

Mother Superior was taking a bath. There's a knock on the door.
She says, "Who is it?"
A male voice responds, "The blind man."
After a few moments of deliberation the nun says, "Come in."
The man enters and says, "Nice boobs, Mrs Nun. Where do you want me to hang the blind?"
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by salem »

Little Johnny asks his dad for a telly in his room. He reluctantly agrees.
Next day Johnny comes downstairs and asks
'Dad what is love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Johnny all about sex.
Johnny sits there with mouth open in amazement.
Dad says 'so what were you watching?'
Johnny replies 'Tennis'.
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by salem »

A university student delivers a pizza to an old man's house.
"I suppose you want a tip?" says the old man.
"That would be great," says the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much – he said if I got 50p, I'd be lucky."
The old man looks hurt. "Well, to prove him wrong, here's £5. What are you studying?"



"Applied psychology," replies the student.
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by digger »

:D
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Post by digger »

I got so drunk last night at a party that when I crossed the room to get another drink

I won the dance competition . :oops:
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Re: Helter Skelter

Post by digger »

One day 3 women went to the top of a helter skelter at the fairground.
There was a black haired, brown haired, and a blonde haired woman.
When they got to the top a genie appeared from nowhere and said, "It's your lucky day!, when you're going down the ride shout out the one thing that you want and lo! you will land in it at the bottom".
So the black haired woman went down and shouted "money" and landed in a load of cash,
the brown haired woman went down and shouted "gorgeous men!" and landed in a pile of model men.
The blonde woman wasn't listening to the genie so she went down shouting "Weeeeeee!"
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