For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Funny stories , jokes, one liners or cartoons , place them in here and brighten up someones day .
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Postby Little John » August 16th, 2010, 9:14 am

She'll catch her death like that.


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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Postby SRD » September 15th, 2010, 12:18 pm

Did you know that the French letter was actually invented by the Welsh? They used the womb lining of a sheep; it was a couple of hundred years later that the English took the womb lining out of the sheep. ;)
Children are like Slinkys - not much use for anything, but it always brings a smile to your face when you throw them down the stairs. Chinchilla

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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Postby digger » October 22nd, 2010, 7:41 pm

With the NHS caring more for the elderly, and giving them health Mot's, Old Albert 89 years young gets called to the gp's for his check over, He takes his wife Dolly with him, as he is a bit hard of hearing, she is somewhat sharper.

The Doctor, looked at Albert, and said , "Ok Albert, I will need a stool sample, a Urine sample, and a sperm sample if you can provide one for me?"

"Eh? What's he say?" Mumbles Albert.

Dolly interupted, "He says give him your underpants dear."
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Postby Little John » October 23rd, 2010, 11:46 am

:D
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Postby SRD » October 27th, 2010, 10:38 pm

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean, and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O' Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O' Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims: "Miles, from Dublin."
Children are like Slinkys - not much use for anything, but it always brings a smile to your face when you throw them down the stairs. Chinchilla

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For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Postby SRD » November 21st, 2010, 11:17 am

I love John Cage's 4'33" but ever since I've put it as a ringtone on my mobile phone I've missed all my calls.
Children are like Slinkys - not much use for anything, but it always brings a smile to your face when you throw them down the stairs. Chinchilla

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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Postby Little John » November 21st, 2010, 11:55 am

That's worth a titter.
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Re: worthy jokes ;)

Postby digger » December 4th, 2010, 10:24 pm

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and £1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the £1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them".
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Postby SRD » May 7th, 2011, 8:48 am

Have you seen the dyslexic Yorkshireman? He's the one wearing the cat flap.
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Postby Little John » May 7th, 2011, 10:41 am

:D
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Postby SRD » May 7th, 2011, 11:16 am

I've just been listening to Henning Wehn introducing a programme about the German episodes of Monty Python that were filmed in Bavaria. When the team were out there they were taken round the tourist sites which included a visit to a concentration camp that had been set up as a museum. When they arrived it was closed, as they stood around the gates trying to persuade the guides to let them in Graham Chapman called from the back "Tell them we're Jews.". :lol:
Children are like Slinkys - not much use for anything, but it always brings a smile to your face when you throw them down the stairs. Chinchilla

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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Postby Little John » May 8th, 2011, 6:33 pm

We heard that. Fascinating. Specially the "scared shitless" thing. And that Henning Wehn is an interesting chap. I thought he was Italian at first.
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Re: handfull of "classics"

Postby digger » September 5th, 2011, 8:57 pm

Well alright then ! A few handfulls :D

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.

18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.

26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''

30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Postby Little John » September 6th, 2011, 12:04 pm

:rotf:
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Re: For the non topic worthy jokes ;)

Postby digger » October 1st, 2011, 8:58 pm

BBC NEWS: Woman stops rapist by biting off part of his tongue.

Police have arrested a man but he's not talking.
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