Couldn't find the one liner thread so...

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marymary
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Couldn't find the one liner thread so...

Post by marymary »

Captain Hook just dumped me. Apparently he was having an affair with his boatswain. “It’s not you,” he said. “It’s Smee.”



Every person has a story to tell, which is why I never talk to people.



I’ve just opened up a can of worms. That’s the last time I buy spaghetti from Lidl.



“Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.” – Just four of the lies on my C.V.



Just noticed a sign on a pub door saying Guide Dogs Only. Possibly the most exclusive pub ever.



I called the vet earlier, to complain about the excessive fees. He just put the phone down, as quickly and humanely as possible.



My bank has replaced my security question “What Is Your Mother’s Maiden Name?” – with an insecurity question: “How Much Do You Weigh?” Cruel.

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Little John
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Re: Couldn't find the one liner thread so...

Post by Little John »

Excellent stuff. I will use all of them at the next open mic night. Thank you! :rotf:
Yes this is the real "Little John" (or it could be "colin whose birthday is the day after mine)

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Re: Couldn't find the one liner thread so...

Post by marymary »

"Stop blaming me for everything!!" - The Boogie

If writers took the "write what you know" rule seriously, most new novels would be called Constantly Distracted By The Internet.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

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Re: Couldn't find the one liner thread so...

Post by marymary »

"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting."

"You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks"

"Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."

"I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

"You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

"I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet ... I don't know Y."

"I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

"Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

"I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad'."

"My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn't fancy her chances."

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Little John
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Re: Couldn't find the one liner thread so...

Post by Little John »

Keep 'em coming. :D
Yes this is the real "Little John" (or it could be "colin whose birthday is the day after mine)

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Re: Couldn't find the one liner thread so...

Post by marymary »

Apostrophes are just commas on drugs.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the team I work in.

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Re: Couldn't find the one liner thread so...

Post by marymary »

I'm not unemployed, I'm a recovering workaholic.

I have all my ducks in a row. Really wish I knew how to use Excel.

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Re: Couldn't find the one liner thread so...

Post by Little John »

I don't get that last one.
Yes this is the real "Little John" (or it could be "colin whose birthday is the day after mine)

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Re: Couldn't find the one liner thread so...

Post by marymary »

It should have been "all my ducks in a column" - my bad.

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Re: Couldn't find the one liner thread so...

Post by digger »

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.
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